Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
