Joe is yelling at the trees again.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
