hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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