dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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