how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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