Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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