a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
