Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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