Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
