So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
