I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
