I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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