Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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