the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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