JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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