what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
