i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
