I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
