I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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