she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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