On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
