Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
