There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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