Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
