Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
