So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How does one acquire holy water?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
