I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
