ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
