not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
