You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
