Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
