you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
