I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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