I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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