while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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