My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
