$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
