Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
