chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
