her facebook's as public as her vagina
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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