I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I could make wine with my vomit
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize