If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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