do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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