Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
