I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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