How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
