I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
