I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
