Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
