My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
